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End of Year Ramblings
3 min read
Normally I do some sort of recap for the year to discuss art and stuff on my mind, but with how things have been the past few months I do not really know how to do this. Cutting straight to the point, I'm just forcing myself to write this to get some things off my chest and because obviously I want to make a fool of myself. I'll preface that nothing in this journal entry is worth anyone's time, TLDR I apologize for not being motivated to draw lately. My excuse for losing confidence in my work can be attributed to a friendship problem and drama--so my excuse is completely stupid and doesn't matter.
I've whined plenty of times here and there, but to begin I'll point you to last year's journal entry [Here] if you want to prolong your suffering. I read what I said last year and it's rather pathetic that much of the bad stuff is the same for this year. This whole journal would be saying the same garbage except maybe I'll sound more distraught. Suffice to say, the same problem as last year is what I'm talking about, but maybe I'll be adding a little bit to the stupid story--hopefully whetting your appetite for gossip.
Anyways, I have known this friend for quite awhile and I really care for them, they're probably one of the closest friends I have. I firmly believe communication is very important for interpersonal relationships, but if I even try that people get pissed off. The problem is that I can't do anything to help the situation and possibly fix the problem, while everyone just says to move on. I guess I've been stubborn to not give up on a close friend, but I don't know now. There's no mercy.
I've questioned whether I'm even a decent person, and I guess I'm the problem. I get a lot of art motivation from my friend, and now I just lost a lot of trust there. This is the main reason why I haven't been posting the last few months, honestly with every attempt I lose more confidence. Even writing about this is so petulant, to blame my fucking "feelings" on why I've been so lazy is quite laughable. I won't say that it's their fault, again this is my own shortcoming.
Again, this is all irrelevant, nobody gives a shit about this, and I've wasted plenty of people's time. I doubt anything will happen and all I get to do is live with the shame of being so immature. But maybe this helps explain why I've not been drawing.
I won't make any promises other than this next year will start very rough. I'm just going to force myself to get an art piece out within a week. It's stupid but it will get me to do something. Hell, if I don't get something out, then y'all can consider me dead or something. (I mean, just talking about my personal problems is Internet suicide)
Have a happy new year y'all. Hope to see a better 2020
I've whined plenty of times here and there, but to begin I'll point you to last year's journal entry [Here] if you want to prolong your suffering. I read what I said last year and it's rather pathetic that much of the bad stuff is the same for this year. This whole journal would be saying the same garbage except maybe I'll sound more distraught. Suffice to say, the same problem as last year is what I'm talking about, but maybe I'll be adding a little bit to the stupid story--hopefully whetting your appetite for gossip.
Anyways, I have known this friend for quite awhile and I really care for them, they're probably one of the closest friends I have. I firmly believe communication is very important for interpersonal relationships, but if I even try that people get pissed off. The problem is that I can't do anything to help the situation and possibly fix the problem, while everyone just says to move on. I guess I've been stubborn to not give up on a close friend, but I don't know now. There's no mercy.
I've questioned whether I'm even a decent person, and I guess I'm the problem. I get a lot of art motivation from my friend, and now I just lost a lot of trust there. This is the main reason why I haven't been posting the last few months, honestly with every attempt I lose more confidence. Even writing about this is so petulant, to blame my fucking "feelings" on why I've been so lazy is quite laughable. I won't say that it's their fault, again this is my own shortcoming.
Again, this is all irrelevant, nobody gives a shit about this, and I've wasted plenty of people's time. I doubt anything will happen and all I get to do is live with the shame of being so immature. But maybe this helps explain why I've not been drawing.
I won't make any promises other than this next year will start very rough. I'm just going to force myself to get an art piece out within a week. It's stupid but it will get me to do something. Hell, if I don't get something out, then y'all can consider me dead or something. (I mean, just talking about my personal problems is Internet suicide)
Have a happy new year y'all. Hope to see a better 2020
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[Not Mine] Ilynalta's Art Raffle
3 min read
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Year of 2018 Recap
11 min read
HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Ahhhh what a year this has been. By far it has been quite the ride for only one year; I think I would describe it as emotional, but I shouldn't complain too much about it. Whatever happened this past year, all I am looking for is to have a better year for 2019, as always things got to keep moving forward and improving.
Of course I have to thank all you lovely people, I wouldn't be here without y'all. Yes I finally reached +1000 watchers o3o and I'm so amazed by it. It's difficult to imagine why people would follow my art with how little I publish. Sure people argue it's quality over quantity, but I still think I have much more to learn to reach good quality XD I guess that's what I like about this art venture, and I appreciate all of my audience for coming along while I learn.
I also think friendship was an important facet of this year. It's funny to think that over the 8 years or so I've been in this fandom which upholds "the magic of friendship," only now do I believe I've achieved a significant friend network from MLP. Of course with my luck it has to come with complications, but I wouldn't deny it was worth it to meet such amazing friends.
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Some Awesome People
Yes of course I have to once again list notable friends. While I still care for my other friends, these individuals have repeatedly demonstrated why they are genuinely honest friends. Please give these wonderful people a hello.
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Ahhh these two are such a lovely couple. I probably ship them too much, but they both are so enthusiastic about their friends. Neon is the guy to make friends with just about everyone, so it's a wonder he would invest so much time for me. And for him to introduce me into his friend group is quite generous. This in addition to all the praise he showers me with, Neon is the most thoughtful friend I have, always wanting to ensure everyone is doing alright. I do hope he takes care of himself too though, as he shouldn't hesitate to ask me for something ;3
Spice is just a goddess for art. If you want to see someone so passionate about their art, go follow her. Her style is absolutely, uniquely adorable and she really personalizes her art. The amount of art output is phenomenal, I can never comprehend the amount of work discipline she has for art, but somehow she does it. Not to mention she is such a fun friend, her ability to produce art is only matched by her sly imagination to produce memes like it's nothing. PLEASE GO WATCH HER
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By far this is the most generous person I've ever met. While appreciated, he needs to stop dedicating so much art for me >w< Gosh the amount of art he gets me is so humbling, and he has such great taste in artists. My personal OC's deserve more art and love, and this generous butt has contributed the most to making them feel special, and to make me so happy. I trust he always knows how to cheer me up, and I wish so much more for him. The amount of sacrifice and effort he gives to show how much he cares for a friend like me, it's extraordinary. I need to make more art of his two lovebird pones <33
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For a long time friend, we don't talk too much. His talent is quite inspiring, and I think he is quite modest about it. I understand he can be quite busy with college and making his next masterpiece, and I wouldn't ask for anything else. Vanilla is like the colleague I can trust to talk about personal things, yet I won't really fret that he gets involved. It's nice to be reminded that he has his own worries and I have my own, something I feel is important for friends. Just keep being awesome my friend.
And maybe you could check his art. I guess it's pretty good, what do y'all think? :3
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Last but not least, this wonderful butt was by far the most important friend for me. If it wasn't for grey, I'd probably have snapped and never be heard of again. The amount of patience you had to put up with me makes you such a saint. I confess I'm ashamed to vent my grief unto you, but time and time again you reassure me that you care. By far, you fit my opinion of what a true, real, honest, wholesome friend ought to be.
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Also, here are some artists that I've been following this year. I think they deserve much more attention than they already have, check out their amazing art.
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Good Parts of 2018
As for this coming year, I frankly have no real plans or goals yet. I've recently realized I am in a sorta rut of personal mentalities occasionally being detrimental to my health, work ethic, and mood--more on that later. This leaves me a bit exhausted of constant workflow I used to have, and I hardly think critically enough--like to set goals for next year.
What was nice year though was connecting to friends like Neon and making new friends because of him. I always wanted to get involved within the Brony community, and I think I'm content with the extent I have now. It does consume me to be part of the "drama" now, but at least I have a group of friends I can to talk with by the end of the day. I wouldn't ask for more as I already appreciate that I can trust that they care. I would do so much for them.
Even though I don't think I put out much art this year (I'll need to count later), I feel I got somewhere. I wish I could have more art, but wishing doesn't accomplish anything :3 I feel I've improved in quality though, so that's kinda nice. Also I finally reached +1000 watchers HUZZAH! It took me long enough. And to show for it, I got such a nifty display tablet [Here] that I would never have dreamed getting to enjoy. So far the transition has been rather seamless, but I think I have more to learn how to better utilize it. For my plans for art next year, I'm still uncertain, particularly with commissions and requests. As usual I want to do more canon characters, yet I am still partial to drawing other people's ponies. All I can hope for right now is to improve my quality and hope to put out more art.
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Bad Parts of 2018
Y'all can skip this section--there's nothing more afterwards.
I question if these excuses could explain why my projects are always delayed and why I've been quiet lately, but frankly I don't think I deserve such lenience. I apologize for the art delays, and as always I appreciate y'all's patience. Trust me, I will never go back on my promises unless I discuss it with you. Thank you for your understanding.
This year has been okay, but I also think it has been one of my worse. Mainly with college and social drama, this year has certainly shown me just how helpless I can be. The problems started for the first half of the year, and currently I'm probably still riding the tail end parts. Whether or not the two subjects had connection with each other, I have no reason to speculate anymore.
The good ol' college that people complain about, it's pretty typical. The first half I decided to take the maximum number of classes I am allowed, figuring I would be fine. I've done it for most of my previous semester with decent results, but I was so wrong. I don't think it matters to compare what I learned versus what anyone else learned, but ultimately I did sub-optimally. I often thought I was either just incompetent, arrogant, or blaming it on my social drama. It felt like a burnout, and also like "I want to self destruct", but ultimately I was just distracted. In the end though, having completed most of my classes already, I had quite a relaxing school semester for the second half of the year. That was nice and I'm building up my grades and confidence again. Academics and learning is still very important to me, so I'm not even so sure why I would shoot myself in the foot like that (other then get my classes out of the way quickly XD).
As for the social drama, it's a sick comedy to have made so many new friends while possibly losing one of my closest friends--I'm sure there's at least one person out there who could laugh over this ;3; I won't explain too much, as it's personal--and like everything here, it is irrelevant--though I'm sure some conspirator could connect the dots...but I don't really care anymore. Call it a friendship problem, whatever, but making new wonderful friends is not comparable to losing a single friend so important to me. I kept telling everyone it will be fine, that "the magic of friendship will prevail." Maybe it's me being too compassionate or too gullible, but sometimes bad things just happen. For it to blow up in my face, I feel I've failed not only myself but also my friends. As if a promise is broken, betrayal has really poisoned my mind with distrust in others. This distrust is certainly uncalled for, and even mentioning distrust is quite despicable of me.
Lately,I've been in a sorta limbo, where the ceasefire leaves me time to further blame myself. It's further difficult to have the pity from others, as again I don't believe I deserve it. To hear my friends continuously assure me and offer support I probably don't deserve, it keeps reminding of my failures. And especially those telling me to move on is the most depressing--even though a rational person would find that the most healthy solution--as I think giving up is the worst form of failure. Okay, I agree moving on is not the same as giving up; however, I'm an engineer, and moving on from a complicated problem is still not solving it. And even if the problem is unsolveable, I would rather try to do something about it than just complain it's not my problem because I have no control.
There are plenty more details with this fiasco, but it is inappropriate to discuss further on this platform. I know something is wrong with me to reason these ways. I'm already broken and lost a lot of my drive. I probably shouldn't care too much about this, but frankly I distrust people who won't care about their problems. Consequently, if I were to not care--or even appear that way--then I would hate myself more, and apathy is death.
My sincerest apologies to those I've pissed off or frustrated with this rant. Obviously this is irrelevant to most people, so in that case I don't mind if y'all don't care--it's probably just me overreacting anyways. I'm not seeking any advice, as it is likely I've already thought about what anyone could offer. I figure I ought to be honest with what's on my mind, and maybe getting this off my chest might help. Who knows...Just don't feel bad for me, I'm tired of people fretting over me.
At least, next year I still have my friends, and I appreciate them for all that they do. I appreciate y'all for being part of this community, so I need to make more art XP
Happy New Years. Let's hope for a better one ^w^
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Thank you!
3 min read
TL: DR Look at the new toy I got because of y'all. Thank you! <333
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I apologize for the brief radio silence lately. It has been a pretty rough times for me recently and I haven't been feeling confident whatsoever. There are a variety of sources, but who cares, I have good friends to help. I'll be sure to thank them later for New Years o3o ~<3
And yes I got THIS pen display to play around with now. Ahhhh >w<
After so many years, using a cheapo drawing tablet, I have finally saved enough to purchase this. I've offered commission prices most people claim are too cheap, so it took me quite a long time to reach this point. I never had the intention to use the money I got from commissions except to maintain core membership, as I did not know how it could be used to benefit y'all somehow. Fortunately, I found out my old tablet has abysmal levels of pressure sensitivity, so upgrading seemed like a good idea. I went big and chose the Huion Kamvas Pro 13, and I do hope y'all will think it is a worthy choice.
To reach this point, I want to again say thank you to all of you. To my lovely friends I've made through this, I will thank y'all later ;3 To the visitors interested enough to click on my amateur art. To all of my Watchers, whom are numbering almost +1000 (I'm so amazed for that too XD ). And of course to those who laid down their personal funds for my art deserve special recognition, I can never understand why people would pay for MY art!
I've tried to keep my prices low to not only ensure the obligations are relaxed for both the commissioner and me, but also assert that I am not intending my art to be a major source of revenue for me. Art will always be a hobby and an outlet to cope for me.
I try to convince that the justification for increasing my prices is to decrease the demand (giving more time for myself) and to encourage higher quality projects. Yet lately I have been VERY slow with projects even though I have only a few. I think I could make the excuse of having a terrible year, but excuses should mean nothing. What it comes down to is that for those who have recently been asking when I'll be offering commissions, I have to apologize that commissions are up in the air for me--as usual. I am humbled to not have much information to give y'all at the moment, and I apologize for the inconvenience. Right now, I ask for patience as I want to focus on making art for those who have helped me and are very important to me. If it is any consolation for those who are expecting/wanting commissions, I am still learning how to use this tablet and once I'm confident I can deliver a worthy product, then I'll be sure to reopen commissions and stuff.
Wow this write up has gone quite depressing...seems a bit of the norm lately :/ It was supposed to be short.
Enough whining, Thank you all and I hope to continue making art for y'all <333
PS I know I still have the screen protector on, I'll take it off later
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Thank You! [1000 watchers?]
6 min read
Oh my goodness! Thank you all for wishing me a happy birthday!
Before I get all sentimental, I want to pose a question to y'all (seeing as I hadn't really prepared something for y'all this birthday around)--so you can skip my dribble if you want. I'm rather close to reaching +1000 watchers here on DA, if that were to happen, what do you suppose I should do? I'm looking for brainstorms, any idea I'd like to read. Anything except an art contest where I would be a judge (I would make a terrible judge).
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Thank you all for sticking around for another year. I apologize my art has been quite slow, so as always I greatly appreciate y'all's patience. I got plans for art pieces and specifically I have eyes on more canon character pieces, so hopefully I can do the show proud after these 8 years so far (ahhh I'm so old). THANK YOU!
This year has been quite bad for me, probably the most emotionally exhaustive yet. It's hard to really think just how unusual it's been, normally I can be stoic and rational, but of recently it has been such an unstoppable roller coaster.
Maybe it's with connecting with new friends in such a close way. While that certainly brings drama, I shouldn't be whining. Let me thank all those close friends for sharing time with me.
And I want to especially thank a few for not only putting up with me, but being just absolute generous people I've really gotten to know and I would give the world to.
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GreyfeatherDraws (I know you have a DA, but you don't have an icon...I should make you one): By far, you are the most special person I've met. I think it's a bit funny to have met you through Neon, and it was pretty laggard. But definitely, you were the one to be there when I reached my lowest point, when I was left with no one else to talk with (and one who I knew would sincerely care), and the one person I think who kept me from just giving up on myself. Looking back of just how bad it's been, I remember fondly of just how nice it was to merely talk with you. I probably exaggerate to what extent my low self-esteem has affected my sanity; however, I wholeheartedly think so highly of you and your selflessness. I will never fully be able to express how much I appreciate what you've done for me, but I do want to continue being friends with you. Thank you.
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WhiteFeather0We've been in contact for awhile, but only recently we've really connected. With all of your generosity for giving me SO MANY art gifts, I feel bad far taking so long to bring your dreams to reality. I know you don't want me to feel bad about it, but I will! And additionally, even with such a language obstacle, you make the effort to keep talking with me. I absolutely appreciate your care for me, and I thoroughly enjoy talking with you.--------
Neonhuo And finally, but certainly not least, you are such a thoughtful friend. I don't think I would have gotten as involved with the fandom without you. And not only that, but also with how you included me in with all your friends, it's just inexplicable how y'all motivate me to socialize. I wish I could do more for y'all, and especially you Neon. ===========
Oh and, whitefeather is an absolute butt for getting me not just amazing art, but real life, tangible, thoughtful pieces of art. With all the effort he put in to compile these wonderful gifts AND mail it to me...he is the most generous person I've ever met.
I wish I had better light to take pictures of what he got me, but here is a list of the artists behind my presents, maybe they could help out to show off their art better than my phone held in shaky hands could ever do :3
![[COM] Bookmark: Melodia and Novaintellus by Lailyren](https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/8b2fac2f-aacb-4186-9c3a-fefb7428c74a/dcp6mpn-a51ed85e-06ca-4cea-9b32-983caf8643a9.jpg/v1/fit/w_150,h_150,q_70,strp/_com__bookmark__melodia_and_novaintellus_by_lailyren_dcp6mpn-150.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MTY1NCIsInBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcLzhiMmZhYzJmLWFhY2ItNDE4Ni05YzNhLWZlZmI3NDI4Yzc0YVwvZGNwNm1wbi1hNTFlZDg1ZS0wNmNhLTRjZWEtOWIzMi05ODNjYWY4NjQzYTkuanBnIiwid2lkdGgiOiI8PTEwMjQifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.vS8zyaXJIDtVrbaI7mp6_WNEtdfJzLDUuLv84D5rTuI)
A Lovely Bookmark from:
A beautiful postcard from:
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Some adorable pictures from:
GO CHECK OUT THEIR ART!! <33
===============Other people of note I want to thank (they also do art, so check them out o3o):
for making me feel inferior with how much lovely art you do.
for making me feel the worst at art with how extraordinary you are.
I'm not sure why you make me art, but your art is adorable. (I need to make you something) for being honest with me.Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
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